Fantasy Island, Time Warner Style: You WANT To Pay More For Broadband

Fantasy Island, Time Warner Style: You WANT To Pay More For Broadband: "techflaws.org alerted us to an Ars Technica piece about the wonderful illusory world of Time Warner Cable's CEO, Glenn Britt, and his prediction about how we, the people, will eventually learn to want to pay more for our broadband. Now, Britt made the following statement at a conference last week, but I find it much more useful to picture him saying these words as he lies naked on a private beach, one woman feeding him grapes while another woman...well, let's just say she's not feeding him grapes:

"I think you will naturally see evolve a world where people who use very little broadband expect to pay less and people who use a whole lot may complain, but in their hearts know they are going to pay more than somebody who reads e-mail once a week. I think there will always be an unlimited tier, but I think you'll see the element of consumption introduced over time."

The medical community defines a stroke, or a cerebrovascular accident, as a rapid loss of brain function due to the disturbance in the blood supply to the brain. They list the causes of a stroke as ischemia (flow blockage) or a hemorrhage (blood leakage), leaving the disturbed area unable to function. I think we can add "smart people say idiotic things that force our brains to shut down" as a third cause. Here's what happens: Someone like Britt, ostensibly a smart person, puts together a string of words filled with odd assertions and conclusions (wait...we're basing tiers for internet usage on grandmothers checking email once a week? Even when internet usage continues to do nothing but rise?), and our brains come to a screeching halt, ordering us to address this intrusion on the world of logic and reason. Here's the problem. The brain begins going into a cataclysmic collapse, realizing that there are many things wrong with these words and attempting to send the limited blood supply in the brain in several different directions to simultaneously address these grievances.



And the person strokes (not the good way).



So what's the cure? Well, my sweet internet hog friends (why aren't you checking your goddamn email!!!???), I have your cure for you. Get that blood flowing with singular purpose! Thought experiment time. If people will gradually and reasonlessly come to accept tiered broadband because they secretly want it, what likewise things will we come to accept for similarly secret reasons? I came up with a few to get you started (and to get that blood flowing again), but I'm sure the community can do even better:

1. People will eventually evolve to simply accept DRM in everything, because secretly we all know we're criminals and should be treated as such. Some people might complain, proclaiming themselves non-criminals, but what would you expect a secret criminal to say?


2. I anticipate an evolution in which the silly little people of this country will finally realize that it's entirely appropriate for moderately paid TSA agents to gently twist their nibblits in the name of security. No real reason for that evolution. Just 'cause. Sure, some uppity people might complain, but deep down they'll realize that testicular tortion is a small price to pay for feeling a little safer.


3. I think we'll naturally see a world evolve where immigrants will finally realize that American law is the law and will finally stop crossing our borders illegally simply because we can offer them a better life on our side of the imaginary lines. Why would they stop, you ask? Well...because we said so. And if our saying it doesn't work, maybe we can just get Glenn Britt to say it, for that will make it so.

Well, there you have it. Dr. Dark Helmet has saved your lives. What am I asking for in return? Make me laugh....

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